Welcome to My Labiryth

My story is one that is unique to me, yet I know every mom in the 21st century can relate in some way!

In 2008, at 20 years old I became a mom for the first time right as the housing market crashed. I spent the first decade of motherhood living with false expectations of being a typical suburban filled with doubts, anxiety, & depression. In 2009 I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia & I spent the next 2 years in pain relying on opioids to survive and being totally miserable.

After a terrifying event where I packed up my car & drove 90 minutes (running away from my life) WITHOUT realizing it I told my doctor I would rather spend my life in excruciating pain than use the pharmaceutical drugs I discovered the healing benefits of cannabis- which in many ways saved my life.

While I was in much less pain I was still married, living with my parents, using an illegal “drug”, broke & nearly unemployed (being a massage therapist those first few years was very difficult due to the economic recession).

By the fall of 2013 I was so depressed that I was drinking on a daily basis. I was stoned 24/7 just to numb the pain from not only the fibromyalgia but from my life. That was the year I hit rock bottom. I would literally get MAD at myself for “not being brave enough to just end it all”.
Yeah, it was THAT BAD! I was the victim of my life. I didn’t know what I had done that I deserved all the horrible things that had happened to me in my life.

Luckily I found a good job that paid well enough that I didn’t feel guilty about getting help. Every other week I saw a therapist who helped me process my childhood, and get a plan going for the future. On the other weeks I received structural alignment bodywork- I knew that if I could get out of pain I would be able to make bigger changes that would move me forward instead of staying in the same space I had been for my first 5 years of motherhood.

As a lifelong student of the supernatural/existential I have always found that the way I think isn’t quite “normal.” I often do things out of order, trusting the grand design of the Universe more than the human psyche.

I have spent the past 11 years as a body worker, specifically structural alignment which is a mixture of deep tissue massage, craniosacral & neurofascial unwinding used to realign the body into the proper planes where it can remain in homeostasis.
Even with all this training I spent most of my life trying to fit in, people pleasing & at many times was even suicidal. The only thing that kept me alive was this deep knowing that I was here for a purpose even though I didn’t know what it was.

In 2015 I had an at home water birth surrounded by an amazing birth team. My second son’s birth changed my life as I connected to my body as I did what millions before until the Advent of hospital births in the last 1800s. As much as his birth changed my life I gave all the credit to my team. It was THEM not ME who had accomplished this wonderful feat- in my own words “I never could have done it without them”. 


I hadn’t owned the power inside and because of this I was still depressed & overwhelmed. Now I had 2 babies, a husband, we had bought my parents house, and so at the age of 28 I was finally figuring out what it truly meant to be an adult.

Add in that my second son was the NEEDIEST baby. If I put him down he screamed, for HOURS. If I went to a yoga class to get away I would come home to my husband handing me a screaming baby saying “he hasn’t stopped since you left.” We had created such a strong energetic bond preparing for his birth that even though he was physically detached from me, he needed me in a way I couldn’t comprehend. He nursed constantly, was in a baby carrier & co-slept with me until he was 18 months old. I suffered from postpartum depression & anxiety. I was filled with rage & anger that I had worked so hard for this baby to be born in a safe & healthy way and he seemed to HATE me, because why else would he do all the things I just described?

So of course, I was STILL unhappy, unfulfilled & not understanding what my PURPOSE was – sure I was a mom & wife it by society standards this should be enough– but it wasn’t.

 

Then in June 2017 EVERYTHING changed!

On June 17, 2017 at 4:44am I did something that only 20% of women worldwide do. I birthed my baby daughter unassisted in my basement bathroom with only my photographer & husband present as my boys slept soundly in their beds. This was an unplanned unassisted home birth, I had called the team at 3:45am when I realized I was in labor but my midwife & team arrived 15 minutes AFTER my daughter was born.

In THAT MOMENT I knew my purpose- to teach this gorgeous, perfect being to know that she will ALWAYS be enough, that she will always BELONG- even if it is only to herself.

You see when I birth my son’s I didn’t feel that responsibility because as hard as it is to admit they are inherently better off simply because they are white, males born to a middle class family.

As strong as my bond to my sons is, it fails to compare to the magnitude of the responsibility & gratitude I felt that summer morning staring at the perfect being that had awakened with in the primal KNOWING that I was an ALL POWERFUL CREATRIX!

I’ve spent every moment from then becoming the mother SHE needs me to be!
At first this was simply dropping the anger & deciding that my children deserve to have a mom who loved HERSELF as much as she loved them.

So I started that journey that so many stay on their entire lives – the Hero’s Journey to find out who I was, what I was and how I could serve others.

First a gratitude challenge, then some new moon wishing, followed by Tarot and an Akashic Record Clearing.

I began to be grateful for my life. I felt joy in seeing my kids faces each day. I started to desire to have sex again. Slowly, day by day, I believed the story that I was telling myself – that I deserved everything that had every happened to me. That without everything that I had endured I would not and could not be the person who birthed her baby alone.

The more a immersed myself in the teachings of quantum physics, Tarot, mediation, Shadow work – the more I kept thinking “There has to be a faster way! How many layers of this can there really be?”
I also began to grapple with trying to balance being a stay at home, homeschooling mom who wanted to run for political office with energy work, moon rituals, and kundalini yoga.

The more I sought to find myself the more split I felt. The more I felt the need to compartmentalize my thoughts- separating the Shadow from the Light from the Dark. Constantly reflecting & analyzing, trying to make connections and listen to my intuition fully- or was that just my ego talking?

Not after performing in front of 100 strangers in my lingerie singing in a language I didn’t understand during Signature Temple Activation for one of the most prominent Dark Workers on the planet.

I could stare at myself naked in the mirror loving every curve & still felt unsatisfied, still yearned for bigger and better things- but had no idea where to search because I had looked under every rock, in every nook, on every mountain.

Eventually, I wound my way through many beliefs, schools, and training each one leaving breadcrumbs but I never felt satisfied.

Not after performing in front of 100 strangers in my lingerie singing in a language I didn’t understand during Signature Temple Activation for one of the most prominent Dark Workers on the planet.

I could stare at myself naked in the mirror loving every curve & still felt unsatisfied, still yearned for bigger and better things- but had no idea where to search because I had looked under every rock, in every nook, on every mountain.

Not after losing 1/2 my body size 4 months WITHOUT crazy diet/exercise/wraps/pills.

Not after landing my first 4 figure client just 5 months after opening my business

And that’s when the Dragon’s came…

I found the true secret that every metaphysical bad ass does – that there is no such thing as enlightenment, you cannot spiritually bypass anything, managing your shadow does not make them go away.

August 2019 I participated in my first Dragon Activation and was immediately reminded that I am of Dragons.

I am a dragon in Chinese Astrology, so is my mom. A panting of a mama & baby dragon hung in my room from when I was a baby.

My husband has a giant tribal dragon on his back & they have been his favorite mythical creature forever.

During this 9 day event I found a new part of me waking up. The language I had been chanting for over a year was Dragon tongue. The yearning to save the world while simultaneously not giving a fuck, was explained by the actions of these Ancient creatures who created everything yet cared not about its survival for they know all is infinite.

On my 31st birthday I went skydiving conquering the biggest fear I had in my life – Putting my life 100% in the hands of a complete stranger; oh and heights.

As I soared (and roared) from 13,000 feet about the earth I gained a greater understanding & appreciation for the life I have & the planet we live on.

During the dive I was initiated and transmitted the Dragon Codes, the upgraded version of the Phoenix Child Codes I had received during the first part of my journey – the ones that created such powerful & playful transformations so quickly.

In rapid fire succession time collapsed around me. Days went by fast yet it seemed like years of change would occur in a week.

My business began to soar, quadrupling my business in a month.

My creative blocks evaporated. Writings, songs, dance all began to pour out of me like warm honey.

I felt more alive, more free, more expansive than every before. The magick I had tried to hide & suppress finally merged into every atom of by being until I knew nothing except that everything I knew was THE TRUTH.

I don’t have to compartmentalize. I don’t manage my triggers. There is nothing left to heal- now when I desire it I transmute any blocks with the pure potent source energy emitting from my Dragon Body- which is infinite, tapped directly into Source.

I am a master of body, mind, heart & energy. A Divine Creatrix playing a game where the only rule is “Don’t Die”, besides that all I have to do is ENJOY & FIND EUPHORIA IN THIS NUMINOUS EXISTENCE!

Now it is my sacred honor to awaken the Dragon Codes within those who tire of seeking, who require a full rebirth, who are ready to create a whole new reality- where Dragons roam free.

The next chapter has only just begun!
Those brave enough to take the leap will launch into quantum flight & into a life they can barely imagine…

Dragon Doula Labyrinth

© 2019 Caryn Terres | www.carynterres.com

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